20 May 2013

Falling into pieces

Now it is all starting to fall into pieces. Why didn't it came to my sense 10 years back? Is this supposed to be the right time where I look back and tell myself, "Damn, if only...... Just if only I could turn back time to mend things," Nope it's too late for "if only's", too late to even feel regret for I chose this road and these are the consequences to bare.Did I expect this to come? Well maybe deep down in me sorta. Sorta expected it to come but sorta want it to come not this soon. I guess there's a reason why the Chinese saying was created.

Maybe after all it was always this. Maybe this was always the problem, the cause of whatever I faced. It's starting to make a lot of sense. As much as I hate to admit, as much I would love to continue living in denial, this can't go far anymore isn't it? It is starting to become a problem to everything I do.

Do I still believe in God? I'd say 50 50. I don't know how does this God system work. Does anyone hear my prayers?? Does anyone hear me when I desperately need certain things to come true? Does anyone hear me crying myself to bed wishing tomorrow and future would be better? Does anyone hear me when I say I need guidance on what to do? Seriously, I don't quite know anymore.

I know I don't depend on my prayers to make things come true. Decision is in my hand. I can't put my hopes on God, constantly telling myself that, "For whatever that happens today, there will always be a cause and reason to it. God have arrangements for you. This is a phase of life!" Can I still be this positive? Honestly, no.

All I hope for now is a positive change in myself. I just want things to start falling back into the right pieces and I'll be the most contented girl ever. There is only one hope I'm hoping for. Not being greedy am I?

May the force be with you, Vivian.


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